


Dave Stdider Pokemon Traner - Fresh As Fuck Edition

by Griever1337



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Based Off a TrollFic, Comedy, Massive and Extremely Stupid Crossover, Pokemon AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-10 18:58:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17431685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griever1337/pseuds/Griever1337
Summary: Dave from Homestuck goes on a Pokemon Adventure!!!(real talk? once upon a time there was this completely absurd trollfic called "DAVE STDIDER POKEMON TRANER", starring the eponymous dave strider and his best bro, will turner. it's stupid the whole way through - dave gets groudon as his starter pokemon, karkat and jack are on TEAM BAD, jack disguises himself as naruto to trick dave into his trap or something, there's a battle of the bands out of nowhere, etc.this fic that i'm making tries to make sense of that while being just as stupid the whole way through. please enjoy.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [DAVE STDIDER POKEMON TRANER](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/449390) by XxXCascadaerXxX. 



Ring ring, the phone went as Dave Strider got out of bed.

Already, even in his morning daze, Dave was confused. The room he woke up in wasn’t his own - there weren’t any turntables awaiting him on his shelf of records, no ironic posters of Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff lining the walls, no electrical wires strewn everywhere. The room he found himself in was bland and minimalist, with a map of the unfamiliar region framed as the wall’s sole decoration, and a large wooden desk being the only piece of furniture besides the bed he got up from.

The ringing phone, along with a computer, awaited him on the desk. Out of curiosity and instinct, Dave decided to pick it up without thinking too much about it.

DAVE: hey who is this  
DAVE: and why the fuck am i in someone elses house  
DAVE: unless i like  
DAVE: broke in and forgot about it i guess like an evil hulk or something  
DAVE: come to think about it im not really sure why they ever portrayed the hulk as this awesome heroic dude when hes just this fucking green muscular embodiment of rage  
DAVE: with like  
DAVE: the dorkiest purple shorts ever  
DAVE: the guy leaps out into the city in his pair of fluorescent boxers and just causes massive property damage every time he shows up  
DAVE: how did that catch on as something that heroes did anyways  
DAVE: being a huge fuckup i mean  
OAK: Ahem.  
DAVE: oh sorry who are you  
OAK: Hello, Dave! It’s me, your favorite Pokemon Professor - Professor Oak!  
DAVE: oh sup  
DAVE: yeah if you could go ahead and please forget about me saying that im in someone elses house thatd be awesome  
DAVE: hows it going  
OAK: Very good, Dave.  
OAK: You seem to be adopting a very casual attitude to your situation.  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: its pretty obvious who dumped me in a nineties fad with their ultimate glowy spacetime fuckery hands  
DAVE: and im pretty sure that john just wants me to have a good time in here   
DAVE: either that or its a prank  
DAVE: so either way im going to have fun with this  
DAVE: whatever the fuck im doing anyways  
OAK: Mr. Strider, you’ve been of age for quite some time, but now that you’re here, it’s time for you to get your first Pokemon.  
OAK: You will be starting your journey towards the Pokemon League today!  
OAK: ...If you get to my lab quickly, I mean. We’re running out of these Pokemon pretty quickly.  
DAVE: oh FUCK

Abruptly, Dave hung up the phone without so much as a goodbye. Clad in his god tier pajamas, he swiftly ran down the stairs of the unfamiliar house and out the front door, racing to Professor Oak’s lab as fast as he could for the chance to obtain something he didn’t care about seconds prior.

He was in the SHIT now.

Dave burst through the doors of the lab dramatically, his stupid cape flaring out behind him as if there was a burst of wind, his sunglasses glinting with the shine of the ceiling lights. Oak looked up from the table of empty Pokeballs he was standing next to, and turned to Dave from across the lobby.

OAK: Good to see you here so soon!  
OAK: Your enthusiasm is appreciated, Dave. I see you’ve run all the way here in your pajamas!  
OAK: It’s quite nostalgic.  
DAVE: alright i want a pokemon  
DAVE: how do i get one do you just give it to me or something  
DAVE: seems kind of irresponsible to gift a monster to a complete stranger but hey no complaints here  
OAK: Sorry, Mr. Strider, but there aren't any more Pokemon here for you to begin your journey with - you shouldn't have overslept!  
DAVE: well fuck  
OAK: There is a silver lining to all of this, however!  
OAK: As an apology, if you wait a week, you'll be able to commence your adventuring with any Pokemon already registered on the Pokedex.  
DAVE: cool get me a groudon  
DAVE: that ones a legendary or whatever right  
OAK: Done! It will be here by Friday.  
DAVE: wait are you fucking serious i was making a bad joke  
DAVE: i dont even know what the thing does  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: okay is groudon one of those kinds of weird giant fuckin lizards that are always on fire  
DAVE: there are like a million of those as far as pokemon goes  
OAK: This one is.  
OAK: Figuratively, at least.  
DAVE: bitchin

Dave spent the next week waiting around, doing one of two things: learning about the Pokemon world he was in, or thinking up new raps. The former was boring and everyone reading this already knows the ins and outs of Pokemon, and the latter led only to the floor of Dave’s new room being littered with crumpled up paper. So we’re skipping that.

When Friday came around, so did Groudon. That morning, a large white truck drove into Pallet Town with a shipment of Pokeballs for Professor Oak. Dave was waiting by as well.

DAVE: so does this truck have my 11 foot tall ancient behemoth god inside it  
OAK: It does indeed!  
OAK: And it’s right here!

Oak pulls out a regular Pokeball and hands it to Dave.

OAK: Go on, Dave, and meet your new partner!  
DAVE: oh hell yeah  
DAVE: come on out big guy  
DAVE: ...  
OAK: …  
DAVE: its not coming out  
OAK: That’s because you haven’t released him from the ball.  
DAVE: do what now  
DAVE: how am i supposed to do it exactly  
DAVE: do i spin this thing around like a basketball  
OAK: Dave.  
DAVE: am i supposed to like  
DAVE: fondle this ball  
OAK: ...Dave.  
DAVE: do i press the nipple button to   
DAVE: turn it on or whatever  
DAVE: geez this universe is hornier than i thought  
OAK: Just throw the ball, jackass.  
DAVE: watch your fucking language old man theres probably children here  


Dave chucked the ball at the ground and out popped Groudon.

DAVE: holy fuck this guy looks rad  
DAVE: no fires though  
DAVE: i thought you said he was on fire  
DAVE: have i been lied to already oak  
DAVE: is this my introductory course to the pokemon world of lies deception and bullshit  
OAK: I said he was “figuratively” on fire, Strider.  
OAK: He DOES know an attack called Fire Blast, though.  
OAK: Which should be rather self-explanatory.  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: i just go to the other towns and torch shit right  
OAK: You’re supposed to travel across the land and obtain 8 gym badges by beating 8 gym leaders.  
OAK: Then you can ascend towards the Pokemon League, past Victory Road, and battle for your chance to become the region’s Champion!  
DAVE: what perks does being champion have  
OAK: You will be known far and wide as one of the best trainers in the world!  
OAK: So…bragging rights, mostly.  
DAVE: works for me  
DAVE: lets go big man  
GROUDON: Grrgggrrrrah!!!!!!  
DAVE: looks like he shares my enthusiasm  
OAK: Wait!  
OAK: Before you leave, I have to warn you about the villainous evildoers who want to steal all Pokemon in the world!  
DAVE: that sure sounds like quite the thing to want to do  
OAK: Their names are Jack and Karkat, and they want to kill you specifically. They’re out for your blood.  
DAVE: okay so  
DAVE: on the one hand one of them is karkat and im psyched for what basically amounts to his attempts at playful spousal assassination  
DAVE: if he really is trying to do that  
DAVE: id hardly call him a “villainous evildoer” though  
DAVE: on the other hand  
DAVE: how many times do we have to kill jack for him to stay dead and why is he here of all places  
DAVE: the dude is like a dimensional cockroach or something  
DAVE: step on one and out comes another cockroach   
DAVE: wait no thats a hydra  
DAVE: this metaphor got away from me  
DAVE: whatever this should still be pretty fun  
OAK: You can’t be champ if you’re dead, Dave.  
DAVE: no shit  
OAK: Take some precautions. I won’t tell you to avoid them at all costs but…  
OAK: You probably...should?  
DAVE: okay this conversation got boring im gonna go get all eight gym memberships or whatever  
DAVE: bye now  
OAK: Good luck, Mr. Strider!

So Dave left and now he had Groudon! What will happen next!?


	2. Karkat Attacks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat attempts to run over Dave with a Mercedes.

Dave walked onto Route 1 with Groudon.

A small Rattata had scurried up to Dave and attempted to nibble on the end of his pant leg. With a grunt of annoyance, Dave kicked out his foot in an effort to get the little guy off him, which ended up working. The rat Pokemon then dashed a few feet away and turned back around, growling at the massive legendary titan that stood before it with as much menace a Rattata could possibly muster.

It wasn’t much.

However, this act of suicidal defiance had nonetheless set Groudon off. It didn’t matter how unimportant this creature was - Groudon wasn’t having this shit. The titanic monster stomped its right foot onto the ground, and the massive weight striking the floor had made it tremble. Dave had almost fallen over entirely as the earth itself was torn in two in front of the beast that he now owned. The new chasm swallowed the Rattata and closed with a violent shift of the dirt and rocks, as if an open book was slammed shut. That Rattata was certainly dead, and its burial was as swift as it was horrifying.

DAVE: good job bro   
DAVE: or like   
DAVE: i guess you dont exactly have a gender since youre some sort of ancient god being   
DAVE: that makes two of us   
DAVE: except im not old   
DAVE: and i dont smite nonbelievers or tiny little rat dudes that annoy me   
DAVE: the church of dave is a peaceful one   
DAVE: no crusades no violence   
DAVE: every mass is a rap session   
DAVE: and everyone fuckin loves me which is a plus   
DAVE: do people worship you i dont really know how much people give a shit about monster gods in this world   
DAVE: or church for that matter   
DAVE: anyways surprisingly i withhold no judgment on your vicious animal murders dude youre awesome   
DAVE: how did i fall ass backwards into religious discussion anyways   
DAVE: point is   
DAVE: im just gonna call you bro in the gender neutral way   
DAVE: so again good job bro  


Dave’s Pokemon grinned because it was cool like that.

Suddenly, Dave was pelted in the face by a Kit-kat.

DAVE: ow what the fuck   
KARKAT: HELLO, STRIDER.   
DAVE: karkat what the fuck are you doing here   
DAVE: other than john dumping you in this world just like he did with me   
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO US? HUH.   
KARKAT: AS FOR YOUR QUESTION, ISN'T IT OBVIOUS, DAVE?   
DAVE: no   
KARKAT: DAVE, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF THE SCORCHING HOT NEW VILLAINOUS SQUAD OF EVILDOERS IN THIS PART OF TOWN?   
KARKAT: WE'RE REALLY TEARING SHIT UP DOWN HERE.   
KARKAT: WITH CRIMES.   
KARKAT: YEAH.   
DAVE: okay whats it called   
KARKAT: WHAT?   
DAVE: your fucking saturday morning cartoon evildoer team bro   
DAVE: does it have a name   
KARKAT: OF COURSE WE DO! WE'RE...   
KARKAT: TEAM......   
KARKAT: ....BAD. TEAM BAD.   
DAVE: your team name is bad   
KARKAT: YES, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.   
DAVE: i wasnt asking a question that was me stating a fact   
KARKAT: FLKHGJFLKHFKLJFGHG   
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.   
DAVE: man i really wish i had my tantrum bingo card   
DAVE: wouldve filled in the verbal keysmash square   
DAVE: such a rare spot too   
DAVE: but i left it in my other pants in another fucking dimension so guess i cant really do that   
KARKAT: EAT MY ASS, STRIDER.   
KARKAT: UNHINGE YOUR NUTRIENT CAVITY AND DEVOUR MY ENTIRE ANUS WHOLE.   
DAVE: ill do that later   
DAVE: i was told that you were supposed to try and kill me or whatever is that real   
KARKAT: I MEAN   
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT “THE TEAM” IS DOING BUT IT WAS NEVER REALLY MY PLAN TO HARM YOU.   
KARKAT: LIKE, AT ALL.   
DAVE: aw   
KARKAT: WHY, DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL YOU?   
DAVE: honestly i wouldnt be opposed to seeing you try   
DAVE: its been a fantasy of mine since day one   
KARKAT: I KNOW THAT YOU’RE JOKING, BUT YOU ARE SO GODDAMN WEIRD SOMETIMES.   
DAVE: hold on i should probably call back my new pokemon   
DAVE: it might break your bones or something i just watched it crush a rattata to death for eating my pants   
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOUR PITY, DAVE.   
KARKAT: JUST LET ME TRY AND MURDER YOU NORMALLY, ALRIGHT?   
DAVE: would it help if i like   
DAVE: set the mood   
DAVE: and did a little bit of murder victim foreplay   
KARKAT: S-SURE????   
KARKAT: WAS THAT A THING IN HUMAN CULTURE?   
DAVE: oh god oh man oh shit   
DAVE: this is so bad im gonna die   
DAVE: (of laughter)   
KARKAT: I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND KILL YOU NOW.  


Karkat sent out a Digimon. It doesn’t really matter which one it is - it’s just a fucking Digimon.

DAVE: hey what the fuck that aint a pokemon   
DAVE: thats not fair   
KARKAT: YES IT IS!   
DAVE: well shit youve convinced me   
KARKAT: NOW THAT YOUR HORRENDOUSLY GROTESQUE MURDERBEAST IS BACK IN ITS BALL, I CAN FINALLY FUCKING WIN FOR ONCE!   
KARKAT: NO LONGER WILL PEOPLE IMMEDIATELY ASSUME THAT I’M THE LESSER MAN BETWEEN THE TWO OF US OR WHATEVER.   
DAVE: hold the fuck up   
DAVE: is that orlando bloom behind you   
KARKAT: DAVE, COME ON, YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TRICK ME WITH THE WHOLE “IS THAT A CELEBRITY BEHIND YOU” CLICHE A FOURTH TIME!!!   
DAVE: you got me   
DAVE: please carry on with your sick james bond speech about killing me and also marriage equality  


Orlando Bloom was standing atop a ledge right behind Karkat.

Or rather, his character was. Will Turner, the character played by Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean, stood before Dave. His hair was a shining brown in the cascading rays of sunlight peeking out through the clouds, and his sexy body radiated charisma. Even in his dorky pirate outfit, he was so radiant and cool that Dave admitted to himself inwardly that, yes, Will Turner was hot as fuck.

DAVE: (gee i sure am heterosexual and not the least bit attracted to orlando bloom for some reason)  
DAVE: (is what i would think to myself on opposite day jesus christ this dude looks way too charming)  


Will Turner did a flip and impaled the Digimon in the head with his blade.

KARKAT: WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH   
KARKAT: ISN’T THAT AGAINST THE RULES? IT SEEMS LIKE THAT’S A PRETTY HEFTY FUCKING VIOLATION OF THE RULES IN THIS SETTING.   
DAVE: so is using a fucking digimon   
KARKAT: I THOUGHT YOU WERE CONVINCED IT WAS FAIR, DAVE!   
KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE THAT ALONE CONSTITUTES ONE OF YOUR HUMAN GENTLEMEN’S AGREEMENTS.   
DAVE: hey man don’t ask me   
DAVE: complain to orlando bloom   
WILL: I don’t know who that is.   
WILL: My name is Will Turner.   
KARKAT: WHY DID YOU FUCKING STAB MY PET!?   
WILL: That’s your pet?   
WILL: I thought it was some sort of odd monster that was trying to maul this child to death.   
KARKAT: I MEAN   
KARKAT: YOU’RE NOT THAT FAR OFF I GUESS.   
DAVE: yeah no dont worry about me will i can take care of myself   
DAVE: since im basically fuckin immortal   
DAVE: and also like twenty why do you think i look like a child   
WILL: I…   
WILL: I don’t think I understand what’s happening anymore.   
DAVE: join the club   
KARKAT: AHEM.   
KARKAT: BEFORE I WAS SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED WITH THE MURDER OF STRIDER JUNIOR HERE, I WAS TRYING TO KILL MY HUSBAND, DAVE.   
DAVE: wait you named that thing after me   
KARKAT: SO I’M JUST GOING TO GET INSIDE THIS MERCEDES-BENZ GLA-CLASS X156 HUMAN TRANSPORTATION VEHICLE ON WHEELS THAT I’VE PARKED OFF TO THE SIDE NOW, COMPLETE WITH LUXURY AIR CONDITIONING AND A “HUMAN STEERING WHEEL”.   
KARKAT: AND THE REST OF MY PLAN OF ACTION SHOULD BE PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY FROM THERE.   
DAVE: karkat you think i dont know for a fact that alternia had cars   
DAVE: theres no fucking way you guys didnt have steering wheels in your cars so stop acting like its an alien concept  


Karkat stuck his tongue out at Dave in an act of defiance, then went inside his Mercedes-Benz GLA-class x156 human transportation vehicle on wheels that he had parked off to the side, complete with luxury air conditioning and a “human steering wheel”. The engine roared to life with the twist of a key, and Karkat slammed his foot down on the gas pedal as hard as he could, accelerating to 100 miles an hour in an instant. The car rushed towards Dave like a bloodthirsty feral wolf.

Dave smiled softly, his shades covering up his anxious eyes - despite the fact that he was fast enough to jump above the car and avoid it while looking like a ridiculous action hero with no problems whatsoever (and did end up doing with no problems whatsoever), something about the situation was strangely nerve-wracking. Something about the hum of the Mercedes’ engine and the metallic activity occurring under the hood just didn’t feel great for some reason.

Karkat crashed into a wall, and he got hurt, but did not die. He disappeared somewhere.

DAVE: welp   
DAVE: that was fucking weird   
WILL: I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who feels so out of the loop.   
DAVE: where the fuck did karkat go anyways   
DAVE: did he get away   
DAVE: damn   
WILL: Well, now you can continue your journey without any troubles, right?   
WILL: Mind if I join you?   
DAVE: oh fuck sure   
DAVE: why though   
DAVE: is it because you think im super fucking cool   
DAVE: did i impress a celebrity with a fucking mercedes jump   
WILL: It was impressive, but I mostly have no clue what’s going on.   
WILL: I’m not sure how I got here either.   
DAVE: alright so to catch you up   
DAVE: i have to enslave pokemon monsters and buy eight gym memberships before i can rule the world or something   
DAVE: except in a way thats more wondrous and kid friendly   
WILL: That doesn’t seem like a very noble goal.   
WILL: But I’ll come with you anyways.   
DAVE: phrasing   
WILL: Hmm?   
DAVE: nothing lets fucking go  


They walked a bit and got to Cerulean City.

Somehow, despite being on Route 1, they had skipped Viridian City, Viridian Forest, Pewter City, Route 2 and 3, and Mount Moon. I’d come up with a way to explain this, but let’s be real - you don’t really care. You also probably don’t care that Dave figures out how gym battles work and that he needs to get specific badges, and you ALSO probably don’t care that Link (from acclaimed Philips CDi game Link: The Faces of Evil) replaced Misty as the gym leader, and gave Dave the “Gud Badge” after the building crumbled as a result of Groudon jumping around in battle against his Scyther.

The point is, Dave has 1 badge now. How many more can he get, before this fanfic gets cancelled?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack Noir sat in a swivel chair at a computer desk, his only arm gripping the chair’s...own arm. The hideout he had taken refuge in was a cave with poor lighting and a massive pile of Pokeballs in the corner. It was a dreadful base of operations.

It made him want to stab someone.

As if on cue, Karkat approached from the cave entrance. So Jack stabbed him. Despite a wince of pain from the troll, he smiled and greeted Jack back happily, as if his dreamself wasn’t murdered by the Dersite he just got stabbed by.

What the hell happened, Jack asked. Karkat responds that Dave is super strong and immortal and has this crazy huge ancient god monster working for him too, and that maybe basing their entire fantasy criminal operation around murdering him wasn’t the best idea. That’s stupid, says Jack. What the hell else would he be doing he asks. Maybe smaller funner crimes like convenience store theft or graffiti on the walls, Karkat answers.

To Jack, these sound like the sorts of crimes a huge wimp would commit. He’s worked long enough in the private sector, toiling away at the most boring job ever, and judging other people’s parking violations, to know that these things are a minor annoyance at best. No, to be a real criminal you have to start doing something BIG.

You’re just weak, Jack tells Karkat. He tells him that he’ll handle Dave later, and until then, Karkat should go ahead and activate “DA PLAN”. Karkat mumbles something under his breath and leaves with a shrug.

Jack laughed.


End file.
